If I Ever Left

As the famous John Green quote from Paper Towns proclaims, “It is so hard to leave – until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.”

Never realizing how true his words were, I believed that escaping to a place apart from home wasn’t terrifying, but rather an evoked feeling as if you were skydiving for the first time even though you have a fear of heights. It’s the adrenaline that makes you want to do the daring yet you have no clue what the landing point is, so you take a chance – whether you wimp out and stay in the helicopter or scream with all your might and jump out.

Even as an eleven year old, I would sit in my my room with walls of pink and princess sheets and would stare out my window imagining myself walking along the sidewalk with a bag and never coming back. I imagined running away and being free from everything behind me. Even when I was little.

Now that I’m older, I still imagine myself running away, but I don’t see myself walking along the sidewalks in my city. I visualize myself driving for hours until dawn breaks until I’m in another time zone.

Hitting the reset button, I’d be able to depart from my life and travel to another town where no one knows who I am or my past. I can start over with a new name, a new home, and new people. I could restart.

I don’t favor the drowsy, painful routine handling the same irrational people, the same psychiatrists, and doing the same old same old. I thirst for the obscurity from another world I can create just by grabbing money and a bag. 

It’s sounds nonsensical; however, escaping from my own reality and abandoning it seems like a dream. Because it is. It’s all just a fantasy, but somehow, in some way, I desire to make it my reality.

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5 thoughts on “If I Ever Left

  1. This is absolutely beautiful. You have a real gift for writing! I so relate to you when you say “I don’t favor the drowsy, painful routine handling the same irrational people, the same psychiatrists, and doing the same old same old. I thirst for the obscurity from another world I can create just by grabbing money and a bag.” Doing the same things day after day gets to me, after a while. I daydream so much about living in a big city, recreating myself and living on my own, having independence over what I do. It’s such a refreshing feeling.
    -Meghna

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That means a lot! Not very often do I get comments on my posts and I really do appreciate it. I feel like most people want to do the same, but most of them don’t want it as badly as I or you do. It’s just so exhausting and nerve wracking knowing that you’re practically wasting this time away when you can do so much more, y’know? Anyways, thanks again for your comment. 🙂

    Like

  3. Wow, it’s like you took words right out of my mind! I’ve been dreaming of starting over in another country (probably one in Europe) where it’s just me and city/countryside and no one else. Too bad I don’t have the resources (yet) to make such an independent decision, but I’m working on it. And I sure as hope you also get to live your dreams and realize your passions soon enough 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I did this. Left Miami, Florida after 60 years and now in Greensboro , NC. At 66 it was frightening and so much to do to get so much in order and restart. I’m glad I did it. It’s a new chapter. New places. New people. I think I would have rotted away in the old life. But I hope this will be the last place. Who knows? Maybe not. Thanks visit my blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hope you’re happy in Greensboro. I believe that everyone should at least get that rush of independent freedom at least once in their lifetime especially if you’re fed up of the place you’ve grown up in. The aggravating people, the same smell, the same exact routine everyday. I wish you the best of luck. As a 16 year old still having to graduate high school and college, there’s practically no time to escape. But I’m glad you’re settled.

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